I wish I could tell you what's bothering me. It's just that I'm embarrassed and lonely and scared. I know I'd scare you too. You were always so worried about what I'd do to myself, like you knew who I'd grow up to be.

Or maybe you just saw yourself in me.

It's so strange to go from being consistently shrouded with people who want to be with you and who need you to be so happy to being so alone and surrounded by apathy. It's like a knife you don't yet realize is stuck in your gut. With that shocked disbelief stamped on your face as the cornstarch drips down your blouse, you're still stumbling to put two and two together.

I got back from Panama City Beach Saturday at four in the morning, and I wish I hadn't left. Juno says, "I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while," but that’s never been the case with me. I never realize how much I hate home until I’ve been anywhere else for a while. I could list you everything that happened there: from making sure the beach was still there, disposing of narcotics, going out for something to eat and the subsequent quest for a taco bell, to Tay getting sick to the point that the only time she moved was to vomit in the bathroom. But that's only day one.

It was endless and exhilarating and a billion times better than being here.

It was an amazing and horrific experience, like watching a man dive face-first off a building. You know the crash is coming, but for those six seconds, you know that he is completely free. The irony of my stay was due largely to a boy I met there who became my whole world for those six days. The thing is that Cara was the only thing he could see.

I wish just once that could be me. I wish just once I could be too good for somebody instead of everyone being too good for me.

Love,.........

Katherine